On Being Extinct

[paleo.livejournal.com]

Some musings (and a bit of moaning) on being "extinct".



Being extinct is...challenging. Frustrating. Sometimes heart-breaking on multiple levels.
Honestly, I'd rather not be a walking fossil. Many days I wish I was a "plain ole" grey wolf for the simple reason that they're still around. I've been able to see, hear, touch, smell, and (thanks to an over-enthusiastic greeting) taste them. My life's passion is animal behavior, and it aggravates...no it *wounds* me that I cannot *know* the the beast that lurks in my soul. Not with objective certainty, that is. I'll never see it's gait, hear its howls, chronicle its interactions with its fellows, prey, and enemies.
All I have are bones and "memories". Thoughts, feelings, knowledge that seems to come from my mind, gut, and soul all at ones.

Bones give some clues, and important ones at that. Paired with knowledge of general trends among today's canine species, they give a rough sketch, just enough to get to know the beast. Just seeing those teeth, those stocky legs, that huge Sagittal crest ...it was enough to end seven years of questions and confusion.

Memories, well, those are more tricky. Heck, I don't even know if "memories" is the correct term for these thoughts and feelings, but until I find out otherwise, it will have to suffice. Dire-wolf-mind doesn't work like human-mind, doesn't focus on the same things. It is hard to translate one to the other. And of course, I must always be wary of typical human wishing, delusion, and misunderstanding.

But what else can I do? Dire wolves and there world are gone. Forever. I have to do more than howl longingly over old bones if I am to know myself. To understand why on Earth some part of Dire Wolf lives on in me.

Thus the memories. These memories aren't concrete. They are often a feeling of "the way things should be". A form of pattern recognition. A sense of knowing. I can't explain it. They just are.

I was lead to Dire Wolf through these memories. I learned how to "ask" the beast in my soul questions, like "What would you do if your prey climbed up a tree?" (Answer: just stare up the tree and leave after a while). While viewing things in life and watching nature documentaries, I could sense things that seemed more "right" than others. Certain landscapes, types of prey.
As an example, I have sort of an inner listing of prey potentiality:

Large, slow but heavily armored beasts rank at the top (water buffalo, bison, musk ox, even rhinos and elephants are worth checking out for weakness and wounds, though best to hang around and wait for them to die on their own)
Large but swifter animals rank next (moose, elk, zebra)
Smaller swifter things like deer and caribou are worth checking out but I "feel" little hope of catching them.
Rodents and small birds are rarely worth it, but sometimes you get lucky. Ground birds like turkey or birds that have a slow take off time like vultures are certainly worth the attempt.
Reptiles never register.
Piggy-prey does.
Fish don't, except for salmon which does seem very important. Perhaps dires benefited from the scraps of bears and trapped fish during salmon runs.

I wish I had finely detailed memories of things, but I don't. I just know what "should be". The land should be similar to the alpine belt that cuts through North America, Asia, and Europe. There should be little to no humans around. There should be teaming herds of prey animals, similar to those found in modern Africa.
I should be canine, yet I should also have prey-drives and hunting/scavenging tactic similar to the spotted hyena. Which no modern day canid does.
And it all keeps leading to the same conclusion:
My "should be" place is in a bygone era. My "should be" self is an extinct critter.
And my "should be" behavior is practically unverifiable.
Sure, I feel like I should be using ambush tactics and using muddy, snowy, or wet terrain to my advantage. But did dire wolves actually do that?
I feel like I should be following vultures to carrion, eating salmon scraps at a river, nipping at and tearing hunks out of huge, weakened prey in the hopes that they bleed to death or fall to their knees so I can begin breaking bones. But is this an accurate portrayal of dire wolf eating habits?
I feel that my kind was less socially cohesive than grey wolves, and while there were often snapping-and-snarling fits, dominance displays were fewer and less "political". But is that the truth?

I can make good guesses, but it doesn't satisfy my human brain, my ego-need to *know*. To say "yes, that is true" or "no, that is false".
To be human is to question and ask.
But to be dire wolf is to just be. Perhaps I should learn from that.
Still what does it mean to "Be" and to "be extinct" at the same time?
Somehow, I'm the answer even as that answer keep eluding me.
They say extinction is forever, and yet for some reason, my soul seems to disagree, at least in part.
What does that mean? Hell if I know. I'll let you know as soon as I do.
Until then, I'm back to studying bones and sifting through memories.

Comments

[moonvoice.livejournal.com]

They say extinction is forever, and yet for some reason, my soul seems to disagree, at least in part.

True extinction is never possible when you carry the memories and the ancestry and the knowledge inside of your spirit. Sifting through memories, and studying bones give you paltry answers for what it is to be human, but letting go and looking down into yourself you will over time be able to find satisfactory answers that transcend a need for 'evidence' and 'proof.'

If I encounter a marsupial lion in the otherworlds while shamanising, I do not question, I do not require 'proof', the indelible mark it has left upon me is more than enough.

[paleo.livejournal.com]

*nods* I understand what you are saying. The thing is I am both a very deeply spiritual *and* very appreciative of science (especially in the realm of animal behavior and psychology).
So spiritually, I do understand and have faith that it is possible to know all I need to know to walk as Dire Wolf in this human life.
But the part of me that loves observing and learning animal behavior, that's the one that causes the most yearning. Since these two "parts" of me aren't really "parts", the mind-yearning has also caused some heart- and soul-yearning.
I know I don't *need* to physically look upon my kin and land to live my life. But I want to, and it can be hard to stop wanting.
It's not a huge, horrible thing that ruins my life, but it does and a quality of bittersweetness to my soul, I think.

Also, I would be most interested to read of your meeting with a marsupial lion, should the mood strike you to write it. *tail wags*

[aloiis.livejournal.com]

I can barely relate to you through my experience of scimitar cat; I have an idea of what it's like to be something extinct with so few reliable sources to read about, but I don't have to live with it since it's not what I am. I guess I'm luckier, but even then, it can be hard too to be something that 1) doesn't interest anybody 2) or is too rare and shy to have huge amount of data. I'm left knowing that similar creatures exist somewhere, but I can't know much about them. It's frustrating in a different way.

I've come to a point where, after reading all what I could and feeling annoyed that I would not find more, I write about the animal(s) and make my own idea of them mostly from how I experience it. This especially apply to mythos, I'm left with the only option: creating them myself from the feeling I get. Thus, I stopped considering ravens as tricksters because I don't feel they are most of time; while caracals being tricksters sound more like a plausible thing from the way I experience and feel them.

[paleo.livejournal.com]

*nods* In a way, I think I would be *more* frustrated to be a critter that is extant, but that no one wants to study and explore. I mean, it's *out* there and probably endangered, so why aren't we studying them? As a canid-fanatic, I get upset that almost *nothing* is done on jackals and dholes, and I would *love* to see some stuff on the smaller cats.
I think the only thing that would make me feel happier about being an ignored-but-living species is that I could at least see "home". Like, if I was a jackal, I at least see Africa or India even if they are talking about lions or tigers. *shrugs*
I think I can relate to your need to "build a mythos", too. I would *love* to have know what myths the early pre-Native Americans told about dire wolves. In fact, I think some myths did survive, but that's another topic.
However, I think I have it a bit easier than you in my desire to build a dire wolf mythos as I've found it very easy to tap into the vast mythos built around grey wolves.
Just suggestions, but it came to mind that I would be interested in you expanding a bit on two things you mentioned.
I'd be interested in your experineces as a scimitar cat, of course. *wolfish grin*
Also, it would be interesting to read how you you came to disagree with the stereotype of ravens as tricksters. I guess I'm interested because I've worked spiritually (and in the physical) with a wide range of canids, including Fox and Coyote who are both cast as tricksters as well. Foxes and coyotes aren't human-like tricksters anymore than ravens, but they have qualities, mind-thoughts, that even though it is a poor translation, would translate to "trickery". And sadly, translation would breakdown because most humans are too humancentric to realize that fox-trickery and coyote-trickery would be little like human-trickery in the ways of motives, thoughts, and such. Which makes "trickery" a poor word for labeling what it is that foxes and coyotes do, but I can't think of any better English word for it.
Did that make any sense? *sighs* Anyway, I basically be interested in your thoughts on the connection or lack of connection between ravens and tricksters.

[wolfensong.livejournal.com]

I couldn't imagine that, though I think that my particular species of wolf may be extinct, they were still so close to the modern gray and arctic wolves as to make little difference. Canis Lupus kenaiensis was exterminated in the late 50's, but even though they were slightly larger than their gray cousins and had bigger ears than their arctic relavtives, they're still so close that I don't feel any particular need to _know_.

The other part of me, that I'm still trying to figure, might not even have existed at all. But that brings us to something like 'it is better to have loved then lost to never have loved at all.' I don't think so, especially if we're applying it to this situation. I would rather know who I am then lose that part of me. If that makes any sense, that is...

Ah, forgive me, I'm rambling. Besides a few minor spelling errors, I like it. And the sentiment is one I've never really thought of before.

[paleo.livejournal.com]

You made sense. I very much agree that it is better to have something and know it, than lose it entirely.

For a while, before I even considered dire wolf, I thought I may have been a buffalo wolf, a subspecies of grey wolf now extinct that preyed on bison. I considered it an option because I greatly related to bringing down bison-like creatures rather than chasing deer or elk like most other subspecies of grey wolf do.
Even then, I think I would be somewhat saddened by the fact that my "kind" was extinct, but it would be helped by the fact that I'd have the rest of the species to learn from.
I think I had a point but I lost it... :-)
I'll forgive your rambling if you forgive mine. *tail wags*

[iki-pueo.livejournal.com]

You left me quite speechless. I've been trying to think something intelligent as a reply but can't come up with anything. It's hard to imagine what that may feel like and when I succeed it makes me terribly sad.

At least there are other dire wolf people out there. Have you been in touch with any of them?

[paleo.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Thanks. There are sometimes when I do get quite sad, but then I remember there are so many worse things out there. Dire wolves had as fair a chance as all other creatures. The Earth changed, and it changed in a way they couldn't survived. Everything dies, even species. I do not get mad about it, not mad like I get over human-caused extinctions happening now.

I have heard of a few dire wolves running around on the 'net, but most of them aren't too talkative. The one I know of the best is GoldenWolf, who does lovely art (some of the only dire wolf art I could find, too).