The Anorexic Animal: Therianthropy and Eating Disorders

[epsilon_pegasi]

 

 

Eating disorders and therianthropy can interact in some very nasty ways. During the throes of an eating disorder, I convinced myself that my body was just a cage containing the “real” me. I only needed to loose enough weight to unlock this cage, and because of my therianthropy, what lay inside that cage was my animal side. Lacking knowledge about how my animal identity was preventing me from realizing my disorder and heal from it was a huge hurdle. I write this essay in hopes that any animal person with an eating disorder in the future may find it, and that it will help them on the path to healing and self-discovery.

The first step, arguably the most difficult step, of healing from an eating disorder is just admitting that you have an eating disorder. It can be even more difficult than usual when convinced that many eating disorder behaviors originate from an animal identity. At one point in my life, I had managed to convince myself that vomiting daily was natural for me because vultures projectile vomit as a fear reaction. I had to realize that just because my animal side behaved in one way doesn’t mean I could still behave that way in a human body. The human body could be damaged or killed by many non-human behaviors, and vomiting every time I felt anxious was one of them. Also, I eventually realized that identifying with vultures was just an excuse, as my animal side isn’t a vulture at all. But in the darkness of the disorder, how could I have seen that?

Body dysmorphia refers to the delusions people who suffer from eating disorders have about their bodies. Basically, they don’t’ know what their bodies look like. They have a warped perception. One of the exercises I did during treatment had me draw a life sized outline of myself on the wall, and I then had to press myself against it and have my instructor outline me. The outline of my real body and the body I thought I had were dramatically different. There was almost three feet of difference in the body I drew from memory and the body my instructor traced. Species dysphoria can complicate body dysmorphia further. Not only was I hallucinating about the physical reality of my body, but I couldn’t recognize that physical reality as valid even when I broke through the dysmorphia. It didn’t feel like I had progressed at all. It was an endless nightmare where the outward projection of myself was never “correct” in my view.

I convinced myself that my body was the enemy. Not only was it the “wrong” body, the body of a human, but it was fat and disgusting. A cage of cellulite surrounded me from all sides. I felt like the “real me” was trapped inside of this fat prison. That real me was an animal. Although I knew on the surface that it wasn’t logical at all to feel like this, I couldn’t help but think that if I only managed to be thin enough, that I would unlock my inner animal. If I couldn’t be thin, then I would never be an animal.

Exercise became an addiction. Not only did it burn away calories, but the adrenaline felt euphoric when shifting. In those moments of running, I could almost see a light at the end of the tunnel. I was on my way to “true animality” actualized through weight loss. I thought I was going to be thin, and then I was going to be an animal. I was delusional.

What I was really creating was a cat with no claws, a giraffe with no neck, and an owl with no wings. I was rejecting my body, which is such a huge part of myself, and in doing so was rejecting the actual “real me.” Animal and all. The eating disorder was not only complicated by therianthropy, but I could never unlock that animal as long as I rejected myself. I had to heal, and learn to take myself for who I am. My body, still bony from the aftermath, but healthy, is a part of me. After realizing that, I “awakened” more openly. The only cage I had put my animal into was the prison of my sickness. Unlocking that cage involved realizing that I had a problem, going through treatment, and learning to love every part of myself. Love the human body as much as the animal inside.

 

Comments

[paleo]

During my time on therian forums I noticed quite a lot of unhealthy attitudes toward food blamed on therianthropy. This isn't the first time I've read a therian survivor of eating disorders admit that trying to acquire a body more similar to their animal was one of the mental loops they put themselves through to reenforce their maladaptive body image.

I know it isn't quite as detrimental, but I've also seen therianthropy used as a way to avoid healthy eating habits, especially from overweight people myself. I've seen quite a few wolves and other canines write at length about the joy of chomping down food nearly whole. And of course most of them swear they *need* meat and talk about it as if it were crack cocaine.

And I've always found that odd because while my dire wolf does take great joy in eating, it isn't just for meat. Canines will eat damn near anything and my dire wolf has had wonderful moments with broccoli casseroles and other veggie-ricey dishes.

I also don't relate to the belief that "wolfing down" food is the best way to feel canine-ness the most strongly. Hunger is the natural state of a wolf, that impetus to scout, search, stalk, and hunt. I feel closest to my dire wolf when there is just a little hunger in my belly to sharpen my senses. I don't let it go too far, but I have prolonged it just a tad, all the better to enjoy a "kill" when I find one.

Sorry if this went too off topic, but these things sprung to mind.

[avia]

Hmm, I am a little uncomfortable with the use of "blamed" in this case. I definitely think that is possible for some unhealthy people (and of course, having an eating disorder is unhealthy) to lean on their therianthropy as a reason to not recover, because that is one of the features of anorexia, that we will try to find reasons why the eating disorder is okay and why we should keep doing it. And, if we are experiencing it partly because of therianthropy, we will do that.

But, I think that "blamed" sounds like we are saying the therianthropy is responsible when it is not, and, I think in some cases it definitely is. I mentioned above, how I think there is a stigma about saying that therianthropy and disorders might interact or reinforce, because it's thought that "therianthropy is not a real cause of anything"... like therianthropy never can cause harm or bad feelings, and if you think that, then it's all in your mind and you just need a more positive attitude.

I would like to fight that attitude, because, for one thing, it reinforces the idea that anything that is "just in the mind" can't be a real problem and you can just think your way out of it, and it's obvious that that's not how people work, because many life experiences can cause serious problems and traumas even though the experience is "only in the mind".

I think, definitely some people do get unhealthy habits because of therianthropy, for example eating in an unhealthy way, and it is good to say, "therianthropy and this way of acting can be separated". But I think there is a careful line to draw, between "we can separate your therianthropy from your bad habits" and "you are using therianthropy as an excuse". The desire, even if it is flawed, and not always the way that real animals work, still comes from a desire to experience the therian side more closely and that is still a real reason, that we have to work with and not just dismiss people as "making excuses".

I hope this makes sense and doesn't offend. I just come from a background of a lot of experiences of, being told that X or Y disorder I have is an "excuse" for particular behavior when it actually is a symptom, and saying it is an excuse triggers the feeling that I am being told, you just made that up as a reason to act badly, and this doesn't really affect you at all. And, actually it does.

[feralkiss]

"definitely some people do get unhealthy habits because of therianthropy"

I think, the nuance we're trying to make here is the difference between "unhealthy habit because of therianthropy" and, which I believe may be more exact, "unhealhty habits because of beliefs related to therianthropy". Maybe it's really not the therianthropy itself the issue, but one's conception of what therianthropy is/entails. And there is a whole world between these two arguments.