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Sep. 12th, 2006 03:13 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
dragonfly-eyes.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
animal_quillsI've been reading through some of the entries here and I thought I'd introduce myself. Some of this might not make a lot of sense, as I'm too tired to write well; hopefully in the future I'll be able to organize my thoughts a little more coherently.
As an aside, I just realized that I made the base used as this community's icon. Small world.
My heels ache. I spent the day at work, wearing shoes with a heel; though I balance well in heels because I walk on the balls of my feet naturally, my heels aren't used to so much contact. They feel bruised, throbbing slightly, and it unnerves me. Still, it's an early autumn night, my favorite time of year, and I put on my runners anyway and head out into the night. I'm lucky enough to live next to a protected watershed forest, and leaves from the maples on the outskirts gather in the gutter, up against the fences, at the feet of other trees. I love the smell of fallen leaves; sharp and warm, slightly rotten and sweet. I'd meant to go for a run, but I end up sitting at the foot of a tree and taking my shoes off to feel the damp grass. I don't know how long I sit there, but eventually I get cold and put my shoes back on. I run for a while - not long, I'm not as in shape as I'd like to be - and come back inside to make myself a cup of tea and write this out.
Being wolf doesn't change me, because wolf has been there as long as I have, but I wouldn't be the same person without it. Maybe I wouldn't have taken the time to sit under the tree, maybe I wouldn't have noticed the smells, maybe my heels wouldn't be aching from too much unfamilar contact. Or maybe all that would have been there, all the same; I've been aware of wolf for so long that it doesn't concern me any more. When I stretch after running I make little contented noises under my breath, mindlessly content just to feel, and when a bird takes off from the gutter of my house my ears physically twitch - just a little gesture, a small involuntary movement, but one that makes my non-therian friends who know about wolf laugh. I don't even notice it unless I'm thinking about it; sometimes I go for days without even thinking about therianthropy or wolf at all. It's simply there, just as I am.
It isn't just wolf, though, and that's what trips me up every time I become comfortable. There's something else, I think - though what that 'something' is, and if it's even there at all, frustrates me. Werewolf.com was my first introduction to therianthropy, and maybe I've been over-zealous in eradicating any traces of fluffiness from my view of therianthropy. Other polyweres I can accept, though I don't think too much about it (something so personal isn't my business, nor is it of interest to me). The same standards don't seem to apply to myself, though - me a polywere? Are you joking?
But something's there, and even though I could theoretically go through life not naming it or recognizing it - nothing about me will change, in any case - it's always a question mark in my life. I'm tired of that question mark, and I'm tired of the way it makes me doubt something that's so core to who I am. It's hard to go back to the beginning. I'm so used to my knowledge of wolf that I feel like I have blinders on, like I have fingerless gloves on. I'm back to a place where I'm blinded, and part of me just wants to give up and ignore the possibility of an 'other'.
Because what would that 'other' be? I've narrowed it down to horse, feline, or bird, but no matter how hard I try it seems impossible to discern which it is or - more unnervingly - if it's more than one of those. I get frustrated with myself; for heaven's sake, it's not like all three are even similar. Prey, predator, something with wings - this is the core of myself that we're talking about, shouldn't I be able to recognize myself? Isn't this supposed to be easy, be a relief?
I'm only eighteen. I've been wandering around the therian community since I was eleven or twelve, and have been recognizing wolf since thirteen or so. It took me a long period of soul-searching the first time, but this is getting ridiculous. Wasn't it easier the first time? Maybe. Maybe not. I can't remember any more, and it doesn't help to dwell on that. This is now.
So I keep reading, I keep meditating, I keep on doing free-form writing. And all the while I sip my tea, I go for night-runs, I sleep curled up on a pile of blankets. My core self doesn't care whether I've found a name for it or not, doesn't care how tired I am of soul-searching and questioning. It's always there, and I can't help but take comfort in that.
As an aside, I just realized that I made the base used as this community's icon. Small world.
My heels ache. I spent the day at work, wearing shoes with a heel; though I balance well in heels because I walk on the balls of my feet naturally, my heels aren't used to so much contact. They feel bruised, throbbing slightly, and it unnerves me. Still, it's an early autumn night, my favorite time of year, and I put on my runners anyway and head out into the night. I'm lucky enough to live next to a protected watershed forest, and leaves from the maples on the outskirts gather in the gutter, up against the fences, at the feet of other trees. I love the smell of fallen leaves; sharp and warm, slightly rotten and sweet. I'd meant to go for a run, but I end up sitting at the foot of a tree and taking my shoes off to feel the damp grass. I don't know how long I sit there, but eventually I get cold and put my shoes back on. I run for a while - not long, I'm not as in shape as I'd like to be - and come back inside to make myself a cup of tea and write this out.
Being wolf doesn't change me, because wolf has been there as long as I have, but I wouldn't be the same person without it. Maybe I wouldn't have taken the time to sit under the tree, maybe I wouldn't have noticed the smells, maybe my heels wouldn't be aching from too much unfamilar contact. Or maybe all that would have been there, all the same; I've been aware of wolf for so long that it doesn't concern me any more. When I stretch after running I make little contented noises under my breath, mindlessly content just to feel, and when a bird takes off from the gutter of my house my ears physically twitch - just a little gesture, a small involuntary movement, but one that makes my non-therian friends who know about wolf laugh. I don't even notice it unless I'm thinking about it; sometimes I go for days without even thinking about therianthropy or wolf at all. It's simply there, just as I am.
It isn't just wolf, though, and that's what trips me up every time I become comfortable. There's something else, I think - though what that 'something' is, and if it's even there at all, frustrates me. Werewolf.com was my first introduction to therianthropy, and maybe I've been over-zealous in eradicating any traces of fluffiness from my view of therianthropy. Other polyweres I can accept, though I don't think too much about it (something so personal isn't my business, nor is it of interest to me). The same standards don't seem to apply to myself, though - me a polywere? Are you joking?
But something's there, and even though I could theoretically go through life not naming it or recognizing it - nothing about me will change, in any case - it's always a question mark in my life. I'm tired of that question mark, and I'm tired of the way it makes me doubt something that's so core to who I am. It's hard to go back to the beginning. I'm so used to my knowledge of wolf that I feel like I have blinders on, like I have fingerless gloves on. I'm back to a place where I'm blinded, and part of me just wants to give up and ignore the possibility of an 'other'.
Because what would that 'other' be? I've narrowed it down to horse, feline, or bird, but no matter how hard I try it seems impossible to discern which it is or - more unnervingly - if it's more than one of those. I get frustrated with myself; for heaven's sake, it's not like all three are even similar. Prey, predator, something with wings - this is the core of myself that we're talking about, shouldn't I be able to recognize myself? Isn't this supposed to be easy, be a relief?
I'm only eighteen. I've been wandering around the therian community since I was eleven or twelve, and have been recognizing wolf since thirteen or so. It took me a long period of soul-searching the first time, but this is getting ridiculous. Wasn't it easier the first time? Maybe. Maybe not. I can't remember any more, and it doesn't help to dwell on that. This is now.
So I keep reading, I keep meditating, I keep on doing free-form writing. And all the while I sip my tea, I go for night-runs, I sleep curled up on a pile of blankets. My core self doesn't care whether I've found a name for it or not, doesn't care how tired I am of soul-searching and questioning. It's always there, and I can't help but take comfort in that.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 11:10 am (UTC)Nice writing, it made sense to me. I thought you had disappeared from the Internet world, it's nice to hear from you again. I'd certainly enjoy reading more from you in your pagan/therian journal, if you are okay that we add each other to our contacts list.
In any case, I look forwards seeing more of you writings, wherever and whenever you post them. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 11:16 am (UTC)It's nice to see you again too; it wasn't so much that I disappeared from the internet so much as I got fed up with therianthropy due to the whole 'what the hell IS that 'other' thing doing in me?' issue. That, combined with a lot of personal-life issues, meant that I kind of took a sabbatical from pagan and therian communities.
I'll definately add you back, and feel free to add me as well. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 11:22 am (UTC)I actually think I e-mailed you recently, but I'm not sure you got the message. I'm having troubles with both my computer and gmail. (Mainly I was asking about how you were and where had your therian writings gone from your website.) I also used to look at your journal from time to time, a year or two ago, but you stopped posting at some point so I stopped checking as well. :p I'm not good at keeping up with lurking.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 11:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 11:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-14 01:53 am (UTC)