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animal_quills2008-03-31 03:47 pm
wampus-cat.livejournal.com) wrote in animal_quills2008-03-31 03:47 pm
Entry tags:
What I am
My personal animalness essay. A work in progress. Feel free to leave comments or questions about anything in it, or anything I haven't covered.
I am an animal person. I do not have a dual nature- or truly in my case, a tri-nature. Rather, I am an integrated psychological and spiritual symbiosis of three beasts: one human, one predator, one prey. I retain a human female body, one that I am comfortable with, yet my identity is agendered and beastly. I am humanimal. Yet even though I am one entity, each aspect of who I am is different. Each one means something different to me.
I am mountain lion. Mountain lion is feline. Mountain lion is quiet; it only “speaks” when it needs to, and when it does it’s expressive and sometimes eloquent. However, it normally views vocalizing as unnecessary and rarely in its best interest. I do not speak unless I have to normally, and I even think of my voice as awkward-sounding, but I find it as a useful form of expression when I do.
Mountain lion is shy. Mountain lion is solitary and tries to avoid others. It prefers to avoid confrontation, but will stand up for itself when it needs to. Mountain lion is conversely territorial and doesn’t easily tolerate invasions of space. I am solitary myself; I keep to myself most of the time and need a few hours of the day at least to myself, preferably on my own territory. If I go without this solitude for long periods, my tolerance for others- even close friends and family- starts to erode and I become exhausted, cranky and defensive.
Despite its solitude, mountain lion can be sensuous, but not in that stereotypical “feline” manner that most people think of when considering cats. Mountain lion is usually not interested in cavorting with the opposite (or same) sex and would probably feel threatened and become angry by sexual advancements. However, it does welcome the advances of certain suitors when it is feeling amorous. I am guarded and selective about who I have sex with, but will occasionally invite an interesting, mentally and physically stimulating person into my bed.
Mountain lion is adaptable. It can live almost everywhere, in any climate on virtually any terrain. I feel at home in many different places; the city is as equally my wilderness as the forest in my back yard. Physically, the hind legs are long, the feet big. Mountain lion feels the earth when it moves, and yet it bounds in such a manner that it glides across the terrain. It moves like a small cat. I am fascinated with how housecats move; they remind me of myself.
~~
I am duiker. Duikers are discreet. They are shy like mountain lions, but for different reasons. They are most at home in the woods; to me, buildings are like trees. I see the city as more of a forest than the suburbs. I keep the buildings close.
Duiker moves like an acrobat. That is how I envision them, and that is how I envision myself (though in reality I am not so limber). They rush between trees away from prey like ballerinas. Most importantly, they dive into bushes, into the unknown. Normally cautious, they throw it in the wind when they need to. They hide and watch instead of running blindly.
When backed into a corner, duiker will fight. Its horns are short and unimpressive, but serve a purpose. We both fight when we have to. The hind legs, like mountain lion’s, are longer than the front, perfect for the “ungulate dance”. The back is arched and marked. On the face, there are gland pits on the sinus. I sense these pits, running my fingers absentmindedly along the sides of my nose.
I am an animal person. I do not have a dual nature- or truly in my case, a tri-nature. Rather, I am an integrated psychological and spiritual symbiosis of three beasts: one human, one predator, one prey. I retain a human female body, one that I am comfortable with, yet my identity is agendered and beastly. I am humanimal. Yet even though I am one entity, each aspect of who I am is different. Each one means something different to me.
I am mountain lion. Mountain lion is feline. Mountain lion is quiet; it only “speaks” when it needs to, and when it does it’s expressive and sometimes eloquent. However, it normally views vocalizing as unnecessary and rarely in its best interest. I do not speak unless I have to normally, and I even think of my voice as awkward-sounding, but I find it as a useful form of expression when I do.
Mountain lion is shy. Mountain lion is solitary and tries to avoid others. It prefers to avoid confrontation, but will stand up for itself when it needs to. Mountain lion is conversely territorial and doesn’t easily tolerate invasions of space. I am solitary myself; I keep to myself most of the time and need a few hours of the day at least to myself, preferably on my own territory. If I go without this solitude for long periods, my tolerance for others- even close friends and family- starts to erode and I become exhausted, cranky and defensive.
Despite its solitude, mountain lion can be sensuous, but not in that stereotypical “feline” manner that most people think of when considering cats. Mountain lion is usually not interested in cavorting with the opposite (or same) sex and would probably feel threatened and become angry by sexual advancements. However, it does welcome the advances of certain suitors when it is feeling amorous. I am guarded and selective about who I have sex with, but will occasionally invite an interesting, mentally and physically stimulating person into my bed.
Mountain lion is adaptable. It can live almost everywhere, in any climate on virtually any terrain. I feel at home in many different places; the city is as equally my wilderness as the forest in my back yard. Physically, the hind legs are long, the feet big. Mountain lion feels the earth when it moves, and yet it bounds in such a manner that it glides across the terrain. It moves like a small cat. I am fascinated with how housecats move; they remind me of myself.
~~
I am duiker. Duikers are discreet. They are shy like mountain lions, but for different reasons. They are most at home in the woods; to me, buildings are like trees. I see the city as more of a forest than the suburbs. I keep the buildings close.
Duiker moves like an acrobat. That is how I envision them, and that is how I envision myself (though in reality I am not so limber). They rush between trees away from prey like ballerinas. Most importantly, they dive into bushes, into the unknown. Normally cautious, they throw it in the wind when they need to. They hide and watch instead of running blindly.
When backed into a corner, duiker will fight. Its horns are short and unimpressive, but serve a purpose. We both fight when we have to. The hind legs, like mountain lion’s, are longer than the front, perfect for the “ungulate dance”. The back is arched and marked. On the face, there are gland pits on the sinus. I sense these pits, running my fingers absentmindedly along the sides of my nose.
no subject
The duikers bit was interesting :) though I always want to read more about, since I'm not an ungulate. We can get an idea of what being a feline is like in this human world, but there isn't much about how ungulate-people fit in our society/urban settings. I get the urban jungle thing, since I write about that a lot, but beyond that I'd like to know more about the ungulate perspective, specifically.
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And the duiker part's not finished yet. ;P Even now I'm thinking of stuff to add and elaborate on...
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(Also I was wondering, with pumas having such a wide range, do you think the viariation between puma-people is greater than in other types of felines? And you describe general-puma here, but is it what you identify as, instead of, say, a more defined type with marked preferences regarding habitat and whatnot? I'm just curious. ^^)
no subject
As far as how I identify myself as puma, I really do relate to the general puma concolor, and not necessarily any of the various subspecies. Though admittedly the only one I know a whole lot about is the Florida Panther, but I don't see myself too much in the specifics of it. I think the wide range is definitely one of the things I identify with, and there are probably different variations between puma people, especially ones that see themselves in different types. :)
One thing I'm definitely planning on expanding on- now that I've reread the essay an recognized that it is really more of a "This is why I'm feline" paper as opposed to "This is how I'm mountain lion"- is how I relate to small cats as a puma person. That's something that I definitely thought about when doing research an different kitties. I'm suprised I forgot about it! :0
(And that reminds me for some reason- I keep meaning to write about autism and therianthropy, because for me personally there are some correllations between the two...)
no subject
You wrote, "They are shy like mountain lions, but for different reasons" but didn't expand on what those different reasons were. I'd like to hear your thoughts there.
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As for shyness, I think pumas- in my case, anyway- are more retiring and asocial than duikers; in fact, "shy" probably isn't the best word to describe them, now that I think about it. With duikers, there is a greater sense of timidity as opposed to simple solitary tendencies, given that duikers are prey animals. There also is this seemingly contradictory socialness to them, at least with yellow-backed duikers, as they sometimes form loose bonds and opposite-sex pairs. Just how I sense it, though.
no subject
Although it is a work in progress, I do want to mention that I feel as though something is missing, like mentioned by Aloïs, I have trouble seeing the 'essence' of puma in it, though I felt you were capturing duiker better than puma (but with more to add on duiker, since you said you weren't finished with that part)--just something about the words, the way you delivered them. But it could be some ungulate bias of mine :D and my lack of reading much from other ungulates. I did like the writing though, yet I can't help but feel an 'itching' for something more, something that "paints" cougar and duiker in a vibrant way--brilliant colors of actions, body concept and body-focused thought, instincts, emotions, reactions, and them 'painted' in a subjective way that sings of human, cougar, duiker, and the combination of those three animals combined into one: combined into you. It is difficult to place such things into words because they are so subjective and so very non-verbal that it can be a struggle to find adequate, let alone wonderful, words to describe that essence of the animal(s). I've run into difficulty with it before many times as well, and honestly, I continue to feel as though my poetry and prose about my therianthropy speaks volumes far above my usual therianthropy writings and essays because the poetry/prose somehow has managed to capture such levels of that essence that I've not found ways to deliver verbally any other way.
But anyway, I look forward to your completed version of this :).
no subject
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(Reading other people's work influences my writing too actually. XD)
no subject