http://distantembers.livejournal.com/ (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
distantembers.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
animal_quills2006-09-02 08:10 pm
distantembers.livejournal.com) wrote in animal_quills2006-09-02 08:10 pm
Entry tags:
living under a rock..
I suppose my thoughts reign control at the moment. I'll let them out. This is no plea, and I respect any and all opinions, positive or negative to this. Feel free to discuss.. I've been thinking about these things for a while.
I miss the sense of community I once felt with other therians or animal people, or people who understood me and let me feel more 'natural' than putting up a show. It was very calming to come online, one of the few places I knew I was safe to express myself, and could talk to any number of people I knew about my experiences and theirs. We'd debate therianthropy, spiritual and not, and always try to understand and love what made us whole. It didn't matter what animal they were, but the fact that we were all a bit more beastly than some people know themselves as, and could just simply share our thoughts. These days, I almost am afraid to do so.
And for a long time, I've lost connection to something I felt was only true and everpresent about myself. I remember countless nights, for all of my life, where my difference made me feel secure (if not a bit alone.) I could look to the moon and the Earth and at least there, by myself, I was free to be myself. I could let my mind wander, shift I imagine, and reassure myself that even though everyone else didn't agree, I knew it was just the way I was. Time has passed and I've become more self-conscious, for better or worse, and even online I feel any and all opinions will be debated. Am I a tr00 w3r3? Is wolf legitimate? Am I really just making myself feel certain ways so that I can be different and relate to others to be cool? I know the answers to those questions, but a feeling is much harder to shake.
What is more comfortable, then? To live silently, or to be public and face the opposition? I wonder how many times others contemplate over what to do. Do people still actively gather in 'howls'? Is it encouraged? Does anyone here still wish to do the same? Is therianthropy, or whatever name you wish to call it, still considered spiritual? Has that idea been lost?
And my thoughts go deeper than that. I remember what it felt, my first experience with another animal person: Willow. I remember the days we spent out in the woods talking and communing with ourselves and each other about what we shared and sometimes what made us different. We felt something similar, something powerful and deep rooted in our minds that needed to be free. We ran, we howled, wrestled, other 'wolflike' experinces one could imagine. Most of all, when I was there I felt freedom. I saw her as Willow would be, and is, and when I was close to her, I overwhemingly felt energy that cannot be considered 'human'. Her facial expressions, the way she moved as we shifted into a new mentality - it was wolf. I always wanted to be able to feel that, at least once.
And now, when I talk to others (so rarely), I can always recall that first time seeing her and knowing the animal inside. I'm sure if I met another animal now, I could feel it. Does anyone else feel that, too? Have you had experiences with other animal people that were profound and helped you be yourself?
I guess, overall, I wish I could experience that again with no prejudice and expectations. I just want to be myself, I don't want to feel every day that I was wrong and will continue to be wrong. I want to commune with others again, personally, and remember what being an animal-person means.
I miss the sense of community I once felt with other therians or animal people, or people who understood me and let me feel more 'natural' than putting up a show. It was very calming to come online, one of the few places I knew I was safe to express myself, and could talk to any number of people I knew about my experiences and theirs. We'd debate therianthropy, spiritual and not, and always try to understand and love what made us whole. It didn't matter what animal they were, but the fact that we were all a bit more beastly than some people know themselves as, and could just simply share our thoughts. These days, I almost am afraid to do so.
And for a long time, I've lost connection to something I felt was only true and everpresent about myself. I remember countless nights, for all of my life, where my difference made me feel secure (if not a bit alone.) I could look to the moon and the Earth and at least there, by myself, I was free to be myself. I could let my mind wander, shift I imagine, and reassure myself that even though everyone else didn't agree, I knew it was just the way I was. Time has passed and I've become more self-conscious, for better or worse, and even online I feel any and all opinions will be debated. Am I a tr00 w3r3? Is wolf legitimate? Am I really just making myself feel certain ways so that I can be different and relate to others to be cool? I know the answers to those questions, but a feeling is much harder to shake.
What is more comfortable, then? To live silently, or to be public and face the opposition? I wonder how many times others contemplate over what to do. Do people still actively gather in 'howls'? Is it encouraged? Does anyone here still wish to do the same? Is therianthropy, or whatever name you wish to call it, still considered spiritual? Has that idea been lost?
And my thoughts go deeper than that. I remember what it felt, my first experience with another animal person: Willow. I remember the days we spent out in the woods talking and communing with ourselves and each other about what we shared and sometimes what made us different. We felt something similar, something powerful and deep rooted in our minds that needed to be free. We ran, we howled, wrestled, other 'wolflike' experinces one could imagine. Most of all, when I was there I felt freedom. I saw her as Willow would be, and is, and when I was close to her, I overwhemingly felt energy that cannot be considered 'human'. Her facial expressions, the way she moved as we shifted into a new mentality - it was wolf. I always wanted to be able to feel that, at least once.
And now, when I talk to others (so rarely), I can always recall that first time seeing her and knowing the animal inside. I'm sure if I met another animal now, I could feel it. Does anyone else feel that, too? Have you had experiences with other animal people that were profound and helped you be yourself?
I guess, overall, I wish I could experience that again with no prejudice and expectations. I just want to be myself, I don't want to feel every day that I was wrong and will continue to be wrong. I want to commune with others again, personally, and remember what being an animal-person means.
no subject
But do I care about "communing" with other animal people? I'm not sure. If I shut off my computer, I'm still there and still an animal. I know there are other animal people out there, and talking to some of them - my friends - is enough. That's for the social aspect I suppose, and doing it online isn't a problem to me. I don't really miss expressing myself in more public places, although I always love reading people's musings. The rare times I take a look at forums, I only look at the intros to see if anyone interesting joined, if they write interesting stuff on their websites or journal, that's about it. Perhaps it's just that I've always had hard times thinking of myself inside a group or community, and feeling that "group energy", "vibe", "community spirit", "communion" or whatever name people call it. Is it a cat thing or a me thing? I simply only think of people in terms of 1+1+1, and not as a whole. I've met animal people in real life, and there were a sense of comfort about being oneself while being understood, but most of time I don't have a real need of it. I just don't care much about socializing with other animal people.
I have, however, a more pronounced interest in reading people's thoughts, and it is my way to remember what being an animal person means, and remember others like me exist out there and live their lives as animal people. More in a "I am there and I know you're around too" way than "We are there and part of something bigger". I don't believe in this community spirit. And no matter what's going on out there, I'll just keep on being myself. An corvikitty in the real world.
( Your entry is moving and I can't quite express myself as well, sorry. I hope I wasn't off-topic in regard to what you posted. :) )
no subject
Considering communing, everyone is different. When I mentioned talking to others, I mostly mean years back before a few friends of mine really surfed the web to read essays and whatnot there. I had only read a bit from one person, and from there had found the word for what described my feelings. A few people I knew from a forum felt the same, and thus we expressed our thoughts and findngs - mostly just to reassure each other we weren't insane :P heh. Nowadays, it's hard to find someone 'serious', thus most people (I think) just write essays and keep to their group of friends (online.) Harder for conversation, which is something I love. This community helps!
I just miss the communion that I had before, or more, I wish I could develop it now - I'd love to talk to more people IRL some day. Always have. But it's nothing compared to just living, and I'm content with that for now.
no subject