ext_339045 ([identity profile] wolfensong.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] animal_quills 2006-02-18 04:19 am (UTC)

Okay then!

The idea is great. I said that already. I think the writing could be a lot more active, more powerful though. The multitude of connectors (either, then, and, etc) I think, can be left out and will allow for stronger parallelism.

I (personally) want to see more active verb use. "We see them" instead of "they are seen", and some phrases (the disclaimers especially) I think can be left out all together. "Now, I can not speak for anyone else, but I know that I, myself..." in the seventh paragraph I think can quietly be struck through and will leave a stronger paragraph, and not so nearly as long a sentence.

"Cannot" is one word.

Basic ideas. Over-all I like it, really, but I think it can be better.

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